Positive Communication
October 19, 2004 | 
31 Comments
Summary: A few tips on practicing positive communication.
The Web is about people and to a large degree it’s about communication. As a Web professional I feel that a very large part of my job is that very communication. It’s what this site is all about. It’s one of the reasons why I feel comments are so important.
It seems that all too often we get caught up in minutiae or semantics. Often a negative comment or post can throw a community into a downward spiral ultimately ending in useless noise. I’m sure anyone who’s experienced a communication breakdown can identify with this.
Instead of bitching about it, I decided to dig up some old school books, think back to my own communication experiences, do a little research and write up a report on communicating positively. My hope this is something anyone reading it can all benefit from.
A Positive Attitude
The first step to communicating positively is to adopt a positive attitude. It can be hard, especially when feeling embattled or confronted, but a positive attitude can do wonders, and not only for the effectiveness of your communication skills.
Positivity breeds more positivity. Give it a try.
Positive Communication is Encouraging
When communicating it’s important to encourage and note the good things, even when the message might be a tough one. Use positive words and phrases. Tell people how to do something, what they’re doing well or what you’d like them to do, as opposed to telling them what not to do.
Talk about what is going right, and if things aren’t working out, talk about what can be done to get things on the right track. Make a plan, set goals and move things in a positive direction.
This can be a challenge. Taking the negative road and telling people what they’re doing wrong is much easier than finding something positive to say. It can also be hard to see the postive in a sea of negative, but keep looking, it’s proably there. If not, use communication to create something positive. As with many things practice makes perfect.
Style and Tone is Important
If you pay attention, you can see this in your everyday communications. If you go into a conversation with a negative attitude or defensive tone, you’re more likely to meet with resistance to your message.
Do your best to remain upbeat. Avoid getting defensive or using negative language. If you are angry or agitated, take a step back from what you are saying or writing. Relax and start again when you are in a better mood.
Writing can be cathartic, sometimes I like to write a dummy post to get negative thoughts and language out of my system. When I do this it usually results in a much more clear final piece. In fact, you’re reading one right now.
It can be hard to get in the habit and develop a positive tone, but if you work at it and maintain a positive attitude you’ll quickly see the benefits.
As my old creative director used to say, “You’ll catch more flies with sugar than you will will vinegar.”
Be Open and Honest
This one is pretty self explanatory. Effective communication is clear, open and honest. By speaking (or writing) honestly and openly you almost automatically bring a positivity that others can identify with.
If you aren’t sure about something, say so. If you are wrong, admit it. People can identify with a communicator who can admit he’s wrong, it’ll give you credibility in any future communications and create a positive picture of integrity in people’s minds.
Know When To Listen
Finally, for positive communication to work it’s important that you know when to shut up and listen. It’s easy to get caught up in the sound of your own voice, I know more than anyone and it’s something I have to constantly work at.
I’m a talker, but I’m really learning to be a listener.
Listening isn’t a trait most people are born with. It’s a skill that needs to be learned, cultivated and practiced. I know it’s hard, but I feel that learning to listen can really improve communication.
Got Any More Tips?
Speaking of listening, do any of you have any tips to add? I’d love to hear them.
Filed under: Web General
Comments
1. Cameron Adams said:
I didn’t know my grandmother was your old creative director!
Good words for any writer, weblog in particular. Rather than be divisive, be inclusive. We’re not trying to spank people with our ideas, we’re trying to welcome them into our own world.
Posted on October 19, 2004 01:03 AM | #
2. Small Paul said:
I also try to remember that people are generally (in a work environment, anyway) time-pressured, and thus a little forethought on my part about what my goals are in communicating with them helps me to take up as little of their time as necessary, which I think they appreciate.
For example, asking someone something verbally can be easier for them than emailing them about it. If you email them, they have to open the email, read it, write a reply and send it. Small steps, yes, but more effort, and I think more distracting for them, than listening and speaking. It makes you get up and walk over to them, but they’ll likely appreciate it. Reducing effort for the person you’re talking to is just another bit of sugar, I guess.
Posted on October 19, 2004 01:12 AM | #
3. marko said:
This is nice summary, and something i wish i read before i posted this entry (maybe i would write it better).
Posted on October 19, 2004 01:34 AM | #
4. Gordon said:
1. Pause. Think before you communicate. Pause.
2. Think about the audience. Too many people presume that everyone else knows what they know.
3. Simplify. I know a lot of big words as well but if I can say it in three short ones the message usually comes across a lot quicker and is more easily understood.
4. Call a shovel a shovel. (similar to point 3).
5. Read Elements of Style, hell, you can skip the grammar specific bits if you want: “A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences… This requires not that the writer make all sentences short, or avoid detail and treat subjects in outline, but that every word tell.”
Posted on October 19, 2004 01:59 AM | #
5. Rimantas said:
Good and timely post.
Communication is tough – and it is a vital part of almost any process. Often, too often have I vitnessed projects failing or experiencing serious difficulties because of the poor communication.
I’d say that good communication and understanding can compensate the lack of formal process to some degree; and poor communication can ruin almost any process however well defined.
It is not so easy to find balance among personal views, egos and ambitions.
Listenting is very important, as important as talking, if not more so. Positive attitude must be applied to the listening as well.
Watching and being part of the latest discussions (which, I guess, inspired your post) I have noticed that sometimes people tend to hear only negative things you say, and tend to ignore positive ones.
Should we improve our skills not to take positive things for granted and not to take criticism as personal offense?
Note taken.
Posted on October 19, 2004 03:58 AM | #
6. Krista said:
Great post, Keith. The ability to communicate well is a skill that serves you in every aspect of your life - at work, at home, even with total strangers. It’s a soft skill that’s often overlooked and yet it’s the foundation of every relationship.
My tip is, ask questions. Lots of questions. Questions demonstrate interest and clarify intent and meaning. Very key.
Posted on October 19, 2004 06:07 AM | #
7. JimmyD said:
In my previous job, it was annual review time, and my boss was hemming and hawing about giving me a much deserved promotion.
His reasoning was that I didn’t qualify for a web analyst position because I did not have a degree in computer science.
As I have a BA in communication, I pointed out that the web is all ABOUT communication…I can push pixels just as well as the next guy, but also with the added benefit of having a more in-depth understanding of communication in general.
Dink though he was, he listened to my point, and recommended my promotion.
Which I got.
Then I quit a month later.
Communicate that! :)
Posted on October 19, 2004 06:32 AM | #
8. Vinnie Garcia said:
Great post. It’s pretty hard to remember the rules of good communication when online, because it takes nearly no time to get your thoughts out to the world. When the world had to communicate with regular letters only, people had more time to think about what they were writing and put everything into proper context. Now that lack of time degenerates communication for a lot of people. A thoughtful response is always one that will be met with thoughtful feedback though, even if the feedback is dissenting.
Posted on October 19, 2004 07:08 AM | #
9. Michael said:
I’ll say! But then again, there’s nothing like a flamewar to teach you a little bit about the problems inherit in online communication :)
Posted on October 19, 2004 07:12 AM | #
10. Taco John said:
It’s amazing what you can do with positive communication. For a business communication class, we had to write everything without using negative language. It’s difficult, but possible, to write a letter denying someone credit without using negative words.
I think one of the most overlooked rules/techniques of communication now is when and how to use e-mail. Most people misuse it in one way or another.
Posted on October 19, 2004 07:17 AM | #
11. Eris said:
#2 Small Paul - I hate it when people do that. If I’m in an environment where I am busy and concentrating, please do not come and interrupt me with your questions.
You may think that you’re saving me time by saving me from answering my emails, but I *have to check my email anyways*. It is much easier for me to address your issue when my brain is in it instead of being interrupted.
When you interrupt someone who is a creative person, like 99% of us here, you force that person to stop thinking about whatever they were thinking about. They may not *look* like they’re working, but their brains are going 90 miles an hour about a project, a process, looking for a solution. So you come into their office and break that concentration and force them to think about your issues.
You haven’t saved this person any time. They could have been on the verge of solving their dilemma when you jumped in and now they have to start all over again with regaining that concentration and that solution. So, you’ve essentially put a bigger waste of time on them and stressed them out even more. Not to mention the fact that now they probably have a resentment towards you because you’ve made a habit of interrupting them.
I prefer email because I can access these questions and inquiries when my mind is free to do so, thus offering your inquiry full use of my brain.
Posted on October 19, 2004 08:11 AM | #
12. Elaine said:
The combination of Small Paul’s comment and Eris’s leads to my thought about modes of communication, bouncing off of Gordon’s #2 recommendation (in comment #4):
…not only what they know or don’t know, but how they prefer to communicate. Some people like e-mail, others conversation in person or on the phone.
Me, I’m with Eris, but I recognize that some of the people I communicate with regularly have a strong preference for the phone. And sometimes, when you’re bouncing email back and forth, it gets to be easier to just get up and talk.
Especially when they’re only just in the next office. :)
Posted on October 19, 2004 08:43 AM | #
13. Cody Lindley said:
Keith: How then does one put this knowledge into application by way of comments left on a site?
Can we properly express ourselves in a comment or email with out the use of silly icons to display our unwritten meanings?
Posted on October 19, 2004 08:55 AM | #
14. Joel said:
Positive communication may or may not be honest communication. Often “positive communication” can merely be spin and sugar-coating, and the way people talk in Human Resources departments. I prefer honesty every time. I don’t mind people’s negative comments if it’s honestly intended.
Sometimes people like to couch criticism in more flattering terms and think of that as “positive communication”. But I find this dishonest.
For some “positive communication” is “being nice”, but I don’t think there’s anything nice about people who say one thing to your face and then go off and say another behind your back.
Some people of course find honest communication “difficult”. They can feel belittled by it. They would far prefer “positive communication”. The fact that it is frequently formulaic and empty doesn’t bother them, because it makes them sound better. But I don’t want to live in a world where people talk without saying anything. I would rather people just said what they thought, and not worry whether it comes across as “positive” or not.
Posted on October 19, 2004 09:19 AM | #
15. Dave P said:
On listening:
1. Actually listen. Many people spend their listening times formulating their next arguement. Don’t. Clear your mind and accept the entire thought from the speaker.
2. It’s rarely personal, so don’t take it as such. You need to be able to dis-associate your feelings from the speaker’s view, espescially if you are in disagrement.
3. Practice. Sounds stupid, until you try it.
Posted on October 19, 2004 09:36 AM | #
16. Adam said:
Eris: So, I guess you work in a place with offices that have doors? We have cubicles and I probably get interrupted every 5 minutes – which is okay with me. I would rather talk and get whatever the person needed out of the way quickly than volley emails back and forth all day.
I, personally, wouldn’t really like working with someone who freaked out everytime they were interrupted. No one is that creative that they require be handled with kid gloves. If you’re forced to stop thinking about something, just hit the pause button for a sec … creative work is first and foremost about people. Email doesn’t take them out of the equation.
Posted on October 19, 2004 09:50 AM | #
17. beerzie boy said:
Constant interruptions can be annoying, but I find that things resolved more effectively (and quickly) in face-to-face discussions. E-mail has its advantages – the ability to send links, attach documents, and document a discussion – but for the majority of inter-office communication, face-to-face is best.
Now if you want to set me off, pester me with instant messages…our company requires you have our IM app be on all the time, which is a real pain in the neck. Nothing like having an online chatterbox interrupt your typing every five seconds.
Posted on October 19, 2004 10:03 AM | #
18. Eris said:
See Adam, now you and I have a little communication thing of our own to work out.
Paul’s comment was okay except for the parts where he stated that he thought he was saving the other person time and that they probably appreciated that. I presented him with another perspective. I stated my case, I gave an example and then I restated my position. I didn’t “play nice” in my response (because Joel is right), but I don’t recall outright insulting Paul as a person. Since it was his *method* that bothered me and not Paul himself.
But then your comment comes along.
Because as valid as your overall point may have been, I’m put on the defensive to rebutt your accusation that I “freak out” whenever someone interrupts me or that I need to be handled with “kid gloves”. Comments that were unnecessary in making your point, but that for whatever reason, you felt the need to make. And see, this makes it very difficult for you and I to communicate with each other.
Posted on October 19, 2004 10:17 AM | #
19. Paolo said:
I’ve used this philosophy when playing online games. Because so few games are developed with a more mature age group in mind, I often end up playing with teens. They’re a rather rude bunch and loooove to instigate.
To avoid losing my temper, every time they start up I congratulate them on a good game and accentuate the positive. Never fails to defuse the situation.
Posted on October 19, 2004 10:22 AM | #
20. David S, said:
Excellent post, thanks for reminding us all to take extra care in our online communications.
I liked Krista’s suggestion:
Without the quick feedback of a face-to-face conversation, it’s easy to get off on the wrong track. Asking questions can help you stay sync’ed up with the other person.
I thought Joel had a good point:
I think the key is to communicate honestly while remembering to do so in a constructive way that keeps in mind the other person’s feelings. The goal should be to communicate, to exchange ideas, not to win an argument.
Regarding the question of email vs. F2F communication (or phone), I ask myself three things when trying to decide which to use. First, what is the urgency? Second, how complicated is the discussion likely to be? If there needs to be a lot of back and forth, a phone or a F2F conversation can be much more efficient. Finally, what is the content of the discussion? Is it purely technical? If so, email works fine. Is it more personal? In that case, a verbal discussion may be better.
Posted on October 19, 2004 10:33 AM | #
21. Adam said:
Eris: Good points, but now I will defend myself (of course) by saying that I don’t feel like I did insult you personally. I was talking about people other than you when I used the phrases “freak out” and “kid gloves” – not you specifically.
Cause, you know, you’re good people.
Posted on October 19, 2004 11:44 AM | #
22. Eris said:
Pre-concieved notions tend to lead themselves to self-fulfilling prophesies.
Keithe, you made a valid comment earlier that my coworkers should know if I’m the kind of person who likes to be interrupted or not and interact with me accordingly.
You know how Joel communicates. Sometimes he doesn’t always say what people want to hear. Sometimes he doesn’t always say it in the most “positive” manner. But you know what to expect. So interact accordingly.
Look past the tone, ignore what you think is negative. Dig into his comments and find his point (yes! there really is one) and then reply neutrally to that.
The burden isn’t completely on Joel to change the way he communicates. It is also on you to change the way you react to it.
That is how someone can keep a “negative” comment from bring a discussion spiraling downward.
okay, bonus round! 5 points for the first person who can tell me about the SNAFU Principle and how it relates to this discussion. :)
Posted on October 19, 2004 12:10 PM | #
23. teli said:
Hi Keith,
Wonderful post - you have a great writing style :).
After reading through each of the comments, I saw a few “breakdowns” in communication which I believe were handled well - however, they still occurred.
The one thing I haven’t noticed up there is something my father always told me: “be humble”
I know it may seem weird to some, but he explained to me that not everyone is the same as I am. People learn at different paces, understand at different paces, and accept things differently. Just because my ego thinks I’m better than the other person doesn’t mean I am. I may be better at doing some things than they there, but sure enough, they will be better at doing some things than I am. It balances out. I remind myself that we are equal.
Instead of silently crying to myself about how “arsenine” the person is in my mind (or even out loud) - I ask myself how I can help them and how they can possibly help me. Offering some level of humility to the situation will create an arena fit for communication.
Now, humble doesn’t mean lie, cheat, steal, shirk, become a doormat, or “be nice” to a fault , it simply means - remain respectful of the other person. They are human too, they have feelings too (I don’t care how cold and/or heartless they may seem), treat them as you would yourself (even if they are not doing the same for you) - and most important, if things get too out of hand - politely excuse yourself and walk away.
Well that’s my 0.000002 cents :)
Posted on October 19, 2004 03:12 PM | #
24. Keith said:
teli – thanks for the kind words and the advice. You make a great point. I try my best to remain humble, calm and even, but it can be hard. Some people just aren’t made to think or communicate the same way and I guess breakdowns are going to happen no matter how good your intentions are.
Your 0.000002 cents are worth much more.
ALSO thanks for getting things back on track.
Posted on October 19, 2004 03:21 PM | #
25. Keith said:
I’m going to open the comments back up again.
For those who don’t know, yesterday, during the ensuing discussion, we had a bit of an online communication breakdown. In reflection it was because those involved were not really practicing the positive communication techniques I laid out…among other things.
There was a lack of listening, some prejudging, defensiveness, etc.
You’ll be happy to note that these issues were resolved offline. In my experience when people butt heads in public, taking it out of the public eye is usually a very good thing. It was in this case.
One more lesson learned. In order to communicate fairly and productively sometimes you need to go one-on-one.
In any case, comments are back open if you want to chime in. Please keep it on topic and stay positive. Feel free to disagree and discuss, let’s just keep it above board.
Posted on October 19, 2004 08:08 PM | #
26. Jason Standbeck said:
I’m glad comments are back online. I wanted to address the issues that came up last night and add what I hope will be some valuable perspective.
First, Joel makes a very valid point. Let’s get that out of the way. However, it *is* a bit off topic. The topic here is positive communication and by nature his point isn’t about that. I don’t think he was trying to imply that positive communication is bad, just that it’s not always the right way to move forward.
As to the flame session. You simply cannot use these techniques and have this kind of discussion in public on a site like this. It doesn’t work and taking it offline and deleting the comments was the right choice, as Keith pointed out.
This article makes some very good points, but this type of communication needs to happen under the right circumstances, with people who are engaged and who care about a resolution. Not strangers shouting at each other online with other people jumping in with jibs and jabs.
Online communication has a LONG way to go. It’s a learning process and I feel we all can take something away from this. It’s not the techniques that are a problem, it’s more than that.
That’s my $.02. Hope it helps.
Posted on October 20, 2004 12:02 PM | #
27. Michael Almond said:
Keith and all others, thank you for your interesting thoughts, opinions, and ideas about this issue, regardless of your position.
I was just thinking about this issue today! We are in a field that has as one of its selling points, “a new way of communicating, connecting, networking… and so on,” yet very few of us understand that effective communication amongst people is quite different than what we do, day to day.
We hear statements like “We need to encourage Web Standards” and my first thought is always: How about we start with understanding that you have to “encourage” people.
They seem to be forgotten about in most discussions and debates within our field. (And I don’t mean focusing on “end users,” though, apparently, most are considered human as well).
Even simple messages, such as the tag line of the W3C:
“Leading the Web to its full potential.”
Huh? O.K., I get it, they want the Web to be used by PEOPLE to its full potential, which means making certain changes that they believe would accomplish this. Well, why not just say it.
The Web is for people, created by people, and to my knowledge, one “leads” people (or my pet dogie, Tyra).
“Communication with purpose,” trying to make a point or influence others, as well as simple effective communicating (a thank you) start with? Yup, People.
Anyone involved in the area of communications and specifically, Social Marketing campaigns, would suggest that you start with a strategy that identifies goals, key obstacles, and:
key target audiences to reach, each with a tailored message that will speak to them, inspire and motivate them (this is not the same message across the board).
Act like a Winner by setting examples, assert values and ideals and provide knowledge (the list goes on).
The point: We are talking about how to influence and/or change human behaviors. This is a very difficult task, especially when dealing with complex issues (we don’t debate the merits of one brand of soft drink over another on this kind of site; although Pepsi is by far superior).
Thanks for reading my comment if you made it this far.
Posted on October 20, 2004 03:44 PM | #
28. teli said:
wow - what did I miss? I leave for 24 hours and I come back to find out that (and I’m paraphrasing) arguments ensued, comments got shut down, posts were deleted, differences were worked out (via email?), and now comments are back up?
This should be published as a ‘real-world’ study on communication and each comment should be dissected to find out where the “breakdown” truly occurred - and I’m not being facetious - this really would be interesting to look at (as I’m assuming some of the truly negative posts were removed?)
And you’re welcome Keith - I can’t take too much credit as it was my daddy’s advice - just so happens it worked out well for me…
Posted on October 20, 2004 05:10 PM | #
29. Michael Almond said:
Funny little addition re: email communication.
I understand the convenience of email in a certain sense; mainly the ability to communicate without having to actually speak to, or meet the person you are communicating with.
I started my career just as the old school official Memo was on the way out, but stil used it for a while. You used a more formal style and (good god) sometimes printed them out.
Now, I find email to be an odd form of business communication. For instance: I once received an email that was perhaps the 10-12 reply/string to an original email and as no one seems to bother to change the subject field, I had no idea what the current topic was. The email consisted of, rather brilliantly, one word only:
“no”
I politely responded back to the general manager and said, “Hi (name here), I accept your response and thank you for considering the idea, but can I ask you what “no” refer to, just for clarity sake.
lol
Posted on October 20, 2004 06:50 PM | #
30. chantelle said:
i found you’re positive communicaiton useful and i also would like to add i think listening skills are a very important for effective commnunication as i have found frustration can be minimized through listening and gaining eye contact.
thankyou it is really intresting i think you are great! x
Posted on March 12, 2005 10:18 AM | #
31. Ms. Aparna said:
This is an impressive site of thinkers and communicators. Can anyone give me more light on Impact of Attitute on Business Communication Please……….
Posted on March 18, 2005 01:30 AM | #
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